Can I value attachment with my child and still sleep train?
A distinction needs to be made between the style of parenting known as ‘Attachment Parenting’ and ‘Attachment Theory’ which forms the basis of a secure attachment between parents and children.
‘Attachment Parenting’ was coined by Pediatrician William Sears in the 1980’s and is a style of parenting which encompasses 8 key principles - and when it comes to sleep, Sears promotes co-sleeping arrangements and baby-wearing for families as the best way to ensure attachment between parents and children. If you are interested in Sears’ style of attachment parenting you can read more about it here. In short, the principles really encourage parents to be responsive to their child as soon as they cry and to assist them back to sleep when required.
However, this parenting approach is by no means the only way to ensure your child experiences a secure attachment - which is absolutely fundamental for the social and emotional wellbeing of a child. Attachment Theory has proven that for a child to flourish they need to have a reliable caregiver with whom they feel safe and secure.
What does the research say?
The University of Toronto produced a study which states that attachment occurs when “the child uses the primary caregiver as a secure base from which to explore and, when necessary, as a haven of safety and a source of comfort”. It also helps to dispel the myths around sleep training and its associated risks to attachment.
More recently, a large study conducted in 2021 and published in the Journal of Pediatrics studied over 2000 parent/child relationships and was examining the impacts of behavioural sleep interventions (BSI) on babies between the ages of 3 - 18 months.
In this study, they examined three of the main sleep training strategies - Extinction (aka Cry It Out), Modified Extinction (aka Spaced Soothing) and Parental Presence (an in-room technique). The results showed “Infant nighttime sleep was longer and more consolidated in the Unmodified and Modified Extinction groups compared with the Parental Presence and non-BSI groups.
Even though the techniques that had the parents outside of the room resulted in longer stretches of uninterrupted sleep, the results showed that in fact all of the strategies improved infant sleep - a strong argument that any technique a parent chooses to use will help to improve infant sleep and therefore the best strategy to choose is the one parents can apply in a consistent way.
Strikingly, the most significant finding in the study was that there were “no differences found between any of the BSI groups in parent sleep, sleepiness, depression, or parent-infant bonding.”
In other words, parent-infant bonding (also known as attachment) was in no way impacted by any of these behavioral sleep interventions. However, all were shown to help sleep consolidation and improve infant nighttime sleep - albeit the Extinction and Modified Extinction groups experienced more overnight sleep at a quicker rate.
What are the options?
We are trained in all of these behavioral sleep intervention strategies here at The Sleep Collective, plus a range of others, and believe that all have their place along the spectrum of sleep training strategies. The best approach to improving infant sleep and limiting the detrimental effects of sleep deprivation on families is to find a tailored solution that will suit best your individual parenting style, your child’s temperament and your sleep situation.
But no matter what strategy you choose, rest assured you are not risking the attachment bond between yourself in your child. If anything, by having more sleep you are better able to be attuned to your child’s needs because you are more alert, aware and also more patient when having had your own sleep needs met. You will have a stronger drive to want to play, to create new experiences and to enjoy your time as a parent.
Children also become more emotionally resilient, have lowered anxiety and are willing to move out of their comfort zone when they have their sleep needs met and a secure attachment with a parent or caregiver.
There are a plethora of ways to create a secure attachment with your child leading up to bedtime that will help them to fall asleep feeling safe and secure knowing you are there for them if they need you:
Create a predictable bedtime routine and use it nightly
In younger children, work on developing their object permanence through games of peek-a-boo or hide-and-seek
Play tickling games that produce lots of giggling and laughter
Provide infant massage
Reading books together
Quiet songs in the child’s bedroom in the lead up to bedtime
Engage in activities which allow you to have some physical contact - like horsey rides, piggie backs or gentle wrestling
Draw shapes or letters on their back with your finger and ask them to guess what you are drawing
Role play going to sleep using their dolls so they can see what success looks like
Take a picture of them when they fall asleep to show them in the morning - a concrete way for them to know you check on them in the night
Have morning cuddles in bed before starting your day
So the answer to the big question, can I value attachment and still sleep train, in the most simple form is: yes, of course you can!
We have worked with so many families that have had wonderful success with sleep training and have reported how much the improvements to sleep have had a range of positive impacts across so many areas of parenting and their relationships with all members of the family unit.
If everyone can get the sleep they deserve, there are only positive outcomes.
I am not an expert in attachment theory. This post was written based on my own extensive research into attachment theory and experience working with families on improving sleep while valuing and maintaining a caring and nurturing relationship with their children.
